Thursday, July 16, 2015

The Suburban Dictionary

I cannot tell you how often I am left without words to describe the chaos that occurs in my house. Sometimes it feels like the world is moving in slow motion around me and I think "This is so outrageous, I COULD NOT make this up!" And so, I've carefully created an arsenal of words that help me articulate the indescribable moments of parenthood.

Baubleholic - a kid with an affinity for cheap toys commonly found in party favor bags, the treasure box at the doctor's office, Happy Meals, etc. Can also apply to pieces of broken toys. (Why do they want to keep broken shards of toys???? WHY?)

Booty Call - The holler from the bathroom that informs you someone needs to be wiped.

Buellered - When your kid fakes illness. Named after the king of invented ailments, Mr. Ferris Bueller.

Buzz - A handy code word for fart. Kids have an addiction to bodily functions and sometimes you need a slightly more discrete way to discuss them. For example, Is someone buzzing in here or does someone need a change? 

Circle of Turdom - when your children alternate their foul behavior, never giving you a break from their incivility.

Coffee - Liquid happiness providing parents the strength, patience and will to carry on.

Cryfecta - When everyone is crying but you. Coined by the classy Doyin at Daddy Doin' Work after surviving one.

Elbow Missiles - The secret game children play where they elbow you wherever it will hurt the most. Neither children, nor adults are aware of their active participation in the game until someone takes an elbow to the eyeball, nose, rib cage or the family jewels.

Hangry - A combination of hunger and anger that is a powerful force to be reckoned with, especially in children.

Hot Dog Party – When your child wakes up in the middle of the night and starts bouncing around like they are supposed to be awake at that ungodly hour. Or when you attempt to put them to bed and they suffer from a sudden surge in energy. Coined by the Pigeon from Don't Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late, who'd rather have a hot dog party than go to sleep.

Legoed - When the kids leave out their toys (with Legos being the worst offender) for painful late night encounters.

Meltdown-ageddon - The mother of all meltdowns. Usually occurs in children and is closely related to hanger. Can also rear it's ugly head in parents when denied coffee or sleep.

Mama-shed-a-saurus - That unfortunate period of time about 3 months after your baby is born when your hair starts falling out in clumps and you become a walking, hairy dinosaur.

Mortifend - Your kid's ability to both mortify you and offend others with a single comment. Like shouting "Are you peeing out your butt?!" in a crowded bathroom. On the bright side, this effect happens in reverse when they are teenagers.

New Mom (or Dad) Smell - A nice way of saying you smell like sour milk, formula and as if you haven't showered in days.

Peek-a-boob - whether you are breastfeeding or not, kids have an incredible ability to grab your shirt in just the right place offering anyone around you an impromptu peep show.

Poonami - A wave of poop, usually overflowing from the back of a diaper.

Scurf - the sticky, food encrusted, booger infested grime small hands leave on every surface

Scrump - The crumbs or remnants of food left in the bottom of the bag. Originally used to describe the fried chunks of batter from the bottom of the KFC bucket, but expanded to include the last remaining nibbles of any food. Commonly used to describe the crushed goldfish and other sketchy items from the bottom of your purse.

Shuzz - More than just a fart. (Shuzz happens people. I know. I do the laundry around here.)

Threenager - There's all this talk about the terrible two's but three is really when the attitude starts. This is when they develop a serious affinity for looking you right in the eye and doing exactly what you told them not to.

ToyNado - a whirlwind of toys covering every imaginable surface that makes you want to get out a couple of trash bags and purge.

Whammer -When it's not just whining, it's non-stop whining, crying and yelling. Loud and sustained high pitched complaining. Can be used both as a verb and a noun. Examples: The kids have been whammering about going to the beach ALL DAY. Also,  I do not want to hear another whammer escape your lips.  

I know you all must have some words you've invented too. Share them in the comments and I'll post a version 2.0!

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