Thursday, June 11, 2015

Shut the Front Door! The Helpful Guide to Cursing like a Mother

My parents were quite the parenting duo.  In the BC days (before children), they worked hard and played harder.  Their friends dubbed them “Wild Man” and “Crazy Lady” (clearly a match made in heaven).  My childhood was full of stories about camping trips to the river and late night fire dances.
They married young and started a family long before most of their friends, so I imagine moving into the parenting world was a big transition, but they turned out to be the most amazing, wonderful and supportive parents a girl could ask for (meeting them, you’d never guess their sordid past).  Yet, like any new parents they had a few bumps along the way…
My mother has told me this story a thousand times.  Probably because the story is about how she was right, and women in my family like to be right.  My father, who stayed at home with me for the first year of my life, liked to describe my dirty diapers with a four letter word that was not poop, turd, or crap.  As he changed me, he would exclaim in a sing-songy voice, “Oh! You spit! Spit, spit, spit, spit!!” My mother warned him time and time again that I was absorbing every word he said and that soon I’d be repeating those words.
She was right.  We were in the car on the way to get some new shoes with my grandmother.  And there I was kicking my little feet in the backseat singing “Spit, spit, spit, spit!”  My mother, mortified by the words coming out of my mouth in front of her MIL, said, “That’s right, Alisa! We are going to get shoes! Shoes, shoes, shoes!” Fortunately, my mother is a very wily woman and my grandmother was none-the-wiser. (A few years ago, my mother confessed and we all had a good laugh about it, especially my grandmother.)
I gave up my share of bad habits since having children, but cursing is one I’ve had more difficulty kicking to the curb.  I’ve learned that this is an important time in motherhood for creativity to come into play.  For those of you who share this vice with me, here is a list of some “alternates” that I’ve come up with…use them, and hopefully, you won’t get into too much trouble when you mother-in-law hears your kiddos repeating them??
The Holies
Holy Mole!
Holy Guacamole!
Holy smokes!
Holy cow!
Holy Cheese balls!
What in the name of Holy Guacamole are you doing with your brother’s underwear on your head!?
Mother, Brother, Son of a…
Son of a monkey
Son of a gun
Mother of Pearl
Mother fruiter
Mother loving
Oh, brother!
Can I just get a mother fruiting minute to put my pants on?!
Old School
(Many of these are gems I remember my grandfather saying. Even at 80+ years old he can still curse you off his front lawn.)
Jiminy Cricket
Oh, that is just baloney, Mr. Fancy Pants!
The Big Guns
Bull Pucky
Flying McFudgepants (Now that is just fun to say!)
Ever loving
Shut the front door!
Oh, For Pete’s Sake!
What on Earth?
You scared the mother loving cheese balls out of me!
Top Five Mashups
Holy flying fudgecicles!
Mother loving McFluffernutter!
Shut the ever loving front door!
Son of a flying Mother Fruiter!
Holy smoking bull pucky!
They key?  In the heat of the moment it can be hard to keep it all kid-friendly, so practice, practice, practice!  Let those “Baloney!”s and “Flying McFudgepants!” roll off your tongue on repeat to get those gems ingrained.
And take a minute to let us know some of your own fav faux curse words.  Never hurts to have a few extra on standby ;)
This post was originally featured at Mom of the Year. For a less serious look at the world of parenting, meet Meredith

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