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On Monday, I took the kids on our final summer adventure before school started. Here's the short version.

Train Parking: $3
Train ride to the city: $18
Metro ride in the city: $5
Historic Streetcar ride: $5
Peet's Coffee: $4.30
World Famous Cable Car ride: $14
Three toy cable cars and two postcards from the Cable Car Museum: $27
Two pressed pennies: $1.02
Steps taken carting around three children on a train adventure: 9,668

Arriving home and having your kid complain, "BUT WE DIDN'T GET ANY PLAY TIME THIS MORNING."

Priceless.

Our Family Motto

I really, really, really wanted our family motto to be "Don't be a Dick." It really just encompasses everything I want from my children and it applies in just about every possible annoying situation that you might encounter in life.

• Running around the grocery store while mom is trying to buy things to feed you with? Don't be a dick.
• Left your dirty underwear on the floor? Don't be a dick.
• Fighting with your brother while mom is cooking dinner? Don't. Be. A. Dick.

It's perfect. Pretty much all the time.

Except, I really didn't want my children walking around saying the word dick all the time because you know they are going to whip that out in front of grandma or during church. (C'mon guys. Cursing in church? Don't be a dick.)

So we ended up with a slightly more positive, family-friendly motto, which is "Make someone else's job easier." It's growing on me.

It's not as versatile as my first motto, but I suppose it conveys a slightly better message. Instead of teaching my kids what not to do, it encourages them to do something, mainly show kindness to another human being. And boy, is this world in short supply of kindness, or what?

A few months ago we were on a parenting reform binge. (You know, when one of your children does something that makes you wonder where you went wrong with them and you vow get those unruly monsters turned around like little Von Trapps who respond to whistle commands?) Well, we were particularly focused on "make someone else's job easier" and something beautiful happened. My three year old son stopped in the grocery store to pick up some items that had fallen off a display and put them back where they belonged. He looked at me excitedly and said "We're making someone else's job easier!" I was so proud. At three, they don't often do the right thing without a little encouragement. It was beautiful to see him do something, even if it was small, to make the world a better place.

This week I finally got around to framing it and putting it up on the wall in our kitchen. I made two versions, but hubby and I both agreed we liked the original best. Our kitchen is yellow and there was a perfect spot to put it below the kitchen clock.

Like our motto? Download the Lemon version or the Wreath version free!

The Balancing Act

You may have noticed that I have been rather absent around here lately. Last spring I was offered a small contract job working for my "before kids" employer and any free time I had to write was immediately swallowed up by the 6-8 hours of squeezing in phone calls and emails between diapers and school pick up. When summer came the prospect of trying to squeeze those things in with all three kids at home seemed impossible so I gave my notice and prepared for the whirlwind of summer.

Summer. It's hard to believe that next week I will return to the hustle and bustle of getting out the door with everyone dressed and fed by 7:45 am. Everyone around me seems more than ready to embrace the "freedom" of children in school and quiet mornings when they can hear their own thoughts. With Buttercup at home full time that won't be my reality and perhaps that is part of the hesitation I feel about the start of school. I'm not looking forward to rushing around town in time for two different drop offs and pick ups, packing lunches, homework, sports, PTA meetings, parties and strict schedules. I have enjoyed the relatively unscheduled chaos that happens on summer days in our household. My boys, at four and almost six are excellent big brothers; I feel like the eyes in the back of my head have gotten a break as Buttercup has been under the watchful eye of her brothers. They make sure she doesn't get into the choking-hazard Legos or go up the stairs of the bunk beds. They help her wash her hands and face after breakfast and clear her place. They provide endless entertainment with all their shenanigans and I think we will both miss them next week. This been my BEST summer yet, filled with a perfect blend of museums, adventures, parks and biking balanced with staying in our jammies all morning, reading books and entertaining ourselves.

After such a fun filled summer with all the kids, I've found myself wondering what I'm going to do with one kid for the next 10 months. Hopefully a deep cleaning on my house. Maybe a new exercise routine to shed all the summer beer and ice cream pounds I've put on. Perhaps some more gainful employment? I've been thinking about going back to work a lot lately and I have mixed feelings about it. Doing all the cooking, cleaning and child rearing I do now AND working seems like it might be too much and yet the financial freedom of additional income is so appealing. Using my brain for something other than mentally doubling my pancake recipe seems dreamy. But I'm not ready to give up my summers. I really enjoyed the contract job I did last year but I also remember struggling with the juggling. I've mastered the art of summer but I've yet to find the perfect balance of work and family. I suppose that's a balancing act that's going to take a lot more practice.

The Morning Grind

It is hard to get my kids out of the house for school each morning. It's even harder to do it without yelling. And the morning yelling is probably one of the things I hate myself most for. The last thing I want to do before I send my children out into the world for the day is yell at them. Who wants to start their day by getting torn a new one by their mother who (supposedly) loves them the most?

I like to tell myself that my mornings are particularly hard since 

a) I have three young children, all 5 and under 

b) my husband is already gone for the day so I'm solo and 

c) we have to leave the house by 7:30am most days which feels early.

Now, I'm sure many of you have it harder than me. This is not a contest. I'm not looking for your sympathy about my situation or the sob story about yours. We all have our challenges trying to get out the door in a timely manner and if you are anything like me your biggest obstacle is the same: children.

My three year old is quick and efficient at getting ready for school, but is easily derailed by his brother. The baby is beautiful and virtually helpless at 11 months old so the burden of getting her ready falls squarely on me. My five year old is both easily distracted and slow as molasses. He is particularly frustrating because he is fully capable of dressing himself but he won't, at least not in in a reasonable amount of time. My mother says the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I think she's probably laughing maniacally in secret at my unfortunate karma. She also says she was guilty of yelling at me while trying to get me out the door and I turned out to be a relatively punctual and decent human being, so I think there's hope for all of us. But for my own sanity and the sake of my children I have spent the better part of this year trying to find a better way to motivate, to be on time, and to stop yelling. Here's what I've learned:

Set a timer. For Mr. Molasses I've started setting a timer, especially for breakfast. If he's not finished when the timer is up (and believe me he gets plenty of time) he leaves the table and continues with his routine. When he's finished washing up/brushing teeth and getting dressed he can go back to finish his breakfast, if there's time. Often the threat of a timer is enough, but it gets sticky when he runs out of time. Our usual punishment would be a timeout, but that use up more of our precious time! 

Let them sleep in their school clothes. The (power) struggle is real with my five year old. This was my mother's ingenious suggestion to eliminate the power struggle around getting dressed. It's a win win. Either he hates sleeping in his clothes and it motivates him to get dressed without losing focus or he loves it and it's one less thing to do in the morning. So far, I haven't had to make good on this threat, but I imagine I will before school is out. I'll keep you posted on how that works out.

Get up earlier. What I really mean by that is get up before the kids. I know you don't want to hear that. Believe me. I know. My kids get up at 6:37am every morning. My alarm goes off around 5:30am and lately I desperately ignore it until 6:00am. But an uninterrupted shower and coffee alone with my thoughts is worth it. Plus, if I am dressed and fed I can help them get ready if needed or at least monitor their progress.

Get the kids up early. Letting the kids sleep in until the last possible minute is not doing anyone any favors. They are even slower when they are groggy and more inclined to throw a fit if they are rushed. Until recently, my kids were pretty early risers so I had more of a problem getting them to stay in bed until a reasonable hour. They have a light on a timer that turns on when they are allowed to get up and now it acts as an alarm clock on school days. It's actually pretty nice that they get up on time, on their own. It's one less thing I have to worry about.

Do it the night before. Prep the coffee. Turn on the timer if it motivates you to roll out of bed before 6am. Pack lunches. Check backpacks. Pick out clothes. Find jackets. If it can be done the night before, do it. The less you have to manage during the morning rush, the less you have to yell about.

Threaten to unleash mean mommy. Sometimes threatening to yell is more effective than actually yelling. It's bizarre. It sounds like this, "If I have to ask you to get dressed again, I'm going to use my mean mommy voice. Do you want to hear my mean mommy voice?" I know. I sound like a crazy person. But I'm a pretty successful crazy person.

You'll win some, you'll lose some. Occasionally, I put my best foot forward all morning long and then as we are about to walk out the door, triumphantly on time, someone informs me that they have to poop. It happens. Pour yourself a to go cup of coffee while you wait. You will need it.

Do you have any secrets to surviving the morning grind? I'd love to hear about them!

Secrets to Braving Cold Season

Cold season is upon us and with two kids in school and a new baby, we are in the thick of it. Someone has been fighting a cold in our household since Halloween and I have a feeling it will continue through the new year. After five years, I've accepted that illness is part of this stage of life and I've found a few secrets to braving cold season.

A teaspoon of honey helps with a dry cough. You know that annoying tickle in your throat that keeps you up coughing all night? A little bit of honey really helps soothe and coat your throat. The best part? You don't have to wait four hours to take another dose. Since it's all natural you can take more whenever you need it. This also works well for kids since most cough medications are not recommended for children under 4 years old. (However, remember that raw honey is not recommended for children under 1 year due to infant botulism.)

Get in plenty of fluids and bring down fevers with juice popsicles. I don't usually give my kids a lot of juice, but it is so important to get fluids in them when they are sick. Popsicles are a fun way to do that and making your own with orange juice gives them a nice vitamin C boost too.

Warm apple cider with lemon. There is no way you will get my kids to drink tea. They will barely drink hot chocolate and that stuff is practically, well liquid chocolate! But some warm apple cider is usually a hit and helps soothe sore throats. Plus it's another great way to get fluids in and a lemon slice adds just a little extra vitamin C.

Skip TV time and listen to music instead. Let me clear that we watch our fair share of TV around here and I have no problem plopping my kids down for a few extra episodes of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood when they are sick. But I've found that just because they are sick, doesn't mean they don't have some energy to burn. Usually after 3-4 episodes, they start bouncing on the couch because they just can't keep their bodies still anymore. However, listening to music and doing a quiet activity like legos, coloring or playdoh seems to be just the right amount of stimulation while still letting their bodies rest.

Go to bed early, Mama. I know there's dinner to put on the table, homework to be done, dishes in the sink and floors to be mopped. But odds are, no matter how much you wash your hands and sanitize, you're going to catch that cold thanks to constant exposure. You are also going to be up at night caring for fevers and coughs and you are going to need your rest. So, know when to hold them and when to fold them. Both the hubby and I were in bed by 8:00pm with the kids the other night because we were so exhausted. Thankfully, I got a decent night's sleep and was able to tackle the pile of dishes in the kitchen with a renewed spirit the next day, even though I wasn't feeling 100% better.

Do you have any awesome Mama Hacks for surviving cold season? I'd love to hear about them in the comments!

You have feet in your shoes. You just have the wrong feet in those shoes.

My three year old, Knox cannot put his shoes on the right feet if his life depended on it. In fact, I'd say that 80% of the time he puts them on the wrong feet. You'd think that at least half the time he'd get it right but I swear it's like he taught himself to  put them on backwards.

Now considering I have three kids ages 5 and under, a kid that can put his shoes on the wrong feet is better than a kid who's shoes I have to put on for him. Right? But eventually I started to worry that he might go to college with his shoes on the wrong feet and it would be ALL MY FAULT. Oh, the drama. The years of therapy he'd need to overcome this. It was time.

With Dash, I cut stickers in half and put a piece in each shoe. It created a sort of puzzle he could put together. If the picture was whole, he had his shoes on the right feet. The only problem was the picture wore off the sticker in a matter of weeks and you were just left with a sticky residue. Yuck.

So I've been pondering an alternative method for a few weeks now and then suddenly, I had a brief moment of genius. I whipped out a Sharpie and wrote half the letters of his name in one shoe and half in the other. Now at three years old, he can't read, but he can recognize his name and at the very least he knows what letter his name starts with.

Let me tell you, this has been a game changer. In just a few weeks, he's started putting his shoes on the right feet 95% of the time. He really likes looking at his name in his shoes and can immediately identify if it's wrong. Additionally, instead of my constant reminding that he needs to switch his shoes, I can just asked him if he checked his name before he put them on.

Will the magic last? Only time will tell. For now, I'm really enjoying having two kids who can put their shoes on the right feet all by themselves.

Parenting Outside the Box

When my son was first born, I was desperate to do everything just right. I spent a lot of time reading the “expert” answers on sleeping, eating, routines, and just about everything related to my new little family. My son is five now and has been joined by a brother (three) and a sister (seven months.) After five years, and three kids, you know what I’ve learned about the experts? Sometimes their advice is no better than a veteran mom of three you met on a park bench. Here’s the thing with experts; their advice is great in theory. But the reality is that your kid is an individual and a one-size-fits-all approach might not be your ticket to uninterrupted nights of sleep. (Not to mention that many experts contradict one another. Have you read this mom on "expert" sleep training advice? It’s hilarious and so true!)

The point I’m trying to make is this: expert advice can be a great way to get the ball rolling on how you are going to tackle parenting challenges, but YOU know your kid better than any expert, any day.

In my experience, when I’ve thought outside the box and came up with a creative solution to a problem, I’ve had so much more success than when I followed expert advice. These are my favorite bits of wisdom the hubby and I have come up with along the way. They might not work for your kid, but they may inspire you to find the solution that does!

1.       Bounce that baby. Both my sons preferred to be bounced vs. rocked to sleep and most nights it took forever. You’d come out of the nursery all sweaty like you’d been in there with Richard Simmons. Until we started using the exercise ball. Bouncing for 45 minutes on the exercise ball was cake compared to the grueling workout we were getting without it. Best $10 I’ve ever spent.  

2.       Tackling the Teething Trifecta. (Say that five times fast!) Teething sucks. They don’t eat because it hurts. They don’t sleep because they’re hungry and it hurts. And then you have a hungry, tired, hurting baby on your hands ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT long. If you want to beat the pain + hunger + tiredness trifecta, try frozen snacks. The cold foods help numb the pain and fill their little bellies. We started with slicing grapes into quarters and then freezing them. Frozen slices of mandarin oranges were also a hit, as were frozen peas and corn. (Note: Of course, use your judgment in choosing age-appropriate foods. I do not recommend this for children who are not already accustomed to chewing solid foods. Also, make sure you make the slices small enough that they are not a choking hazard.)

3.       The sun is up (or not). It happens to all of us. You wake up at 4am and find your toddler staring at you like a total creep. “It’s time to get up!” they say, cheerfully. You curse that big kid bed with all its ridiculous freedom and put them back to “sleep” 17 times before you finally give up and make coffee. When this day arrived in our house we looked at all kinds of fancy alarm clocks that tell your kid when it is ok to get up, but those things aren’t cheap and had way more features than we needed. In the end, purchased a sun night light and used it with a timer we already owned.

4.       Audio books after lights out. Dash went through a phase at about two when he would not stay in his bed at bedtime. In part, he was afraid of being in his room alone so we recorded our own audio books for him to listen to after we left the room. We still use the audio books as a way for the boys to wind down with the lights off before bed.

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What are your most unconventional parenting hacks? Parenting Outside the Box is a reoccurring series so if you comment with your favorite hacks, they may be featured next time!

The Pounds of Parenting

Last week I officially hit the five years of parenting milestone. In that time, I have been to a lot of playgroups, parks, beaches, school events and birthday parties and I have had the privilege to meet and observe many, many mothers in action. All of these mothers are incredible, hard working, selfless people, but beyond that I noticed many of us have one thing in common: we're fat. I know that is a rather unpopular word these days with all the body affirmation jazz and fat shaming that is happening all over the internet, but before you get out your pitchfork and gather the mob, hear me out. Seeing all of these overweight mothers made me wonder if motherhood itself is expanding our waistlines.

Here are six reasons maintaining a healthy weight is harder for mothers:

1. We are sleep deprived. I've read countless articles lately on the correlation between weight gain and sleep deprivation. How many mothers get eight hours in every night? I can personally attest to overeating when I'm tired. I can't think straight and it's almost as if I can't figure out what's wrong with me. So I eat to try to fill the void the lack of sleep left.

2. The baby weight, obviously. We gain 20-40 pounds growing another human being inside our bodies then rip ourselves to pieces evicting that small human. Not only do we have to heal and figure out how to care for our beautiful, crying, bundle of joy, but we also have to figure out what to do with our new bodies. It's no small task. Learning to balance my son's needs with my own was very difficult, especially in the first year.

3. We are beached. Somehow, dads always seem to end up with the more active jobs in parenting. The next time you go to the beach take a minute to watch what the moms are doing vs. the dads. Frequently, I see the dads splashing around in the water and throwing big kids into the waves. The moms, on the other hand are sitting on the beach, preparing a meal, reapplying sunscreen, nursing the baby, or just reading a book because they finally have five minutes of peace. Some moms don't even bother to wear their bathing suits; maybe because they hate the way they look in them, or maybe because they've just resigned to being the beached parent. If you aren't going to have an opportunity to go in the water, why wear a bathing suit?

4. We are too busy to eat or eat well. I can't tell you how often I am absolutely starving by the time I sit down and eat lunch because between feeding the kids, swapping out the laundry before it mildews, stirring dinner in the crock pot, changing the baby's diaper, letting the dog out, then breaking up a fight, the one hour window between school pick up and nap time blows by and I didn't even get a chance to make myself something, much less eat it. And of course when I am starving I choose fast, easy, bad-for-me food and I eat too much.

5. We are inherently self sacrificing. Now I am no Mother Teresa, but I feel like I am frequently putting my own needs aside in order to care for the needs of others. If I really want to exercise I have to make time to, which usually means I have to choose exercise over something else, like clean my house. More often than not I will choose to do something that benefits my children or husband over doing something just for myself. Unfortunately, there is never a shortage of things to do in this household and so I constantly give myself the short end of the stick.

6. There is cake everywhere. Birthday parties, play groups, PTA meetings and of course every holiday. Every time I turn around there are donuts and cookies, cinnamon rolls, or chips. I have a lot of will power, but I usually break down after the fifth temptation.

If you add a pound or two for each of these, that's an extra TWELVE pounds! While all these things may indeed make it harder to maintain a healthy weight, I don't think it's impossible. I'm not trying to say that we have to accept that these are the facts of motherhood and we should learn to love those love handles. It's an uphill battle and we have to make conscious choices to be more active all the time.

Choose to hand the baby off to dad and go splash in the waves or swim a few laps. Don't settle for being the beached parent. Make yourself a healthy lunch the night before when you pack the kids lunches. Leave the dishes in the sink and go to bed early. Choose YOU, sometimes. You don't deserve the short end of the stick all the time.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off the exercise extreme will power at a PTA meeting.

Tiger-tastic Parenting

Like many parents, I prefer to use the TV as an independent activity for my kids. In other words, I plop them down in front of it and walk away so I can do something productive like hear my own thoughts or drink coffee in peace. Though I am guilty of using my TV as a babysitter, I have standards. I don't just let them lose with the remote and go willy-nilly watching anything they please. 

Rule # 1: Does not annoy me. I put up with a lot of annoying thing from my kids, but I do that because I love them. I do not love Caillou and I don't want to listen to him whine in the background during coffee time. I turned on the TV to avoid listening to my own children whine. Turning on an annoying show defeats the purpose of TV all together.

Rule # 2: Is more educational than mind numbing. If I am rotting their brains with screen time, they should learn something to counteract the damage.

Though my oldest is outgrowing it, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood is one of my favorite kids shows lately. Not only does it fit the not annoying/educational requirements, it has actually taught me a thing or two. Since I went to school to be an elementary school teacher I have taken a ton of classes on childhood development, but honestly I'm a little rusty. I know the concepts I want to teach my kids but sometimes I have a hard time translating them into kid speak. 

Each lesson has a catchy little song which really helps the kids (and you) remember it. The bad news is, sometimes you can't fall asleep at night because you have to potty song stuck in your head. You win some, you lose some. Am I right?

Saying I'm sorry is the first step, then how can I help? Or as we say in our house, First we say I'm sorry, then how can I make it better? Telling someone you are sorry is like sticking a Band-aid on a scraped knee. It looks better on the surface, but doesn't instantly heal the wound underneath. So how do we teach our kids that a quick I'm sorry doesn't always right the wrong? 

In some ways we are different, but in so many ways, we are the same. I want my kids to know that being an individual is ok. They don't have to look or act just like their friends. I also want them to treat others who look differently, whether it's their size, shape, color of their skin or their ability, with kindness and acceptance. Kids are very observant, even at a young age and this is a great way to start talking about the differences they see in the world. 

If you have to go potty, stop and go right away. Flush and wash and be on your way. We just finished potty training Knox and we watched this episode of Daniel Tiger for inspiration daily. I love that it incorporates all the basics wrapped up into one simple song. 

And there you have it. I'm 31 years old and I'm still learning from PBS. Bravo, PBS. *slow clap* BRAVO.

How do you do it?

Last week, Dash's new teacher asked me a question I hear all the time: How do you do it?

I never quite know how to answer because, well it's complicated. Usually, in these scenarios someone is looking at me like I've got motherhood all figured out. As if my life is a smooth running, well-oiled machine. Sometimes I want to bask in all my supposed put-togetherness, but that couldn't be further from the truth. And frankly, I'm in the business of being honest with myself and others. The truth? I'm a mother -- a human being with strengths and flaws.

We've become a society that has difficulty embracing our emotions and imperfections. I don't think people expect a real, honest and raw answer. And yet, I feel compelled to give them one that reflects the many facets of motherhood. The good, the bad and the ugly. I never want someone to feel insecure in the face of my seemingly Pinterest-perfect brilliance. At the same time, I don't want want to sound like a walking train-wreck. I'm neither and yet I'm both. What I want to say is:

• I'm doing the best that I can and some days that's still not good enough. 
• I'm so proud of myself for making it out the door on time without yelling. 
• My house is in complete shambles, but the kids are clean, dressed and we had time to take first day pictures. Lord knows if I'll ever have time to share them in the next 10 years, but we took them! 
• I'm exhausted. I cannot consume enough coffee to lift the fog because I'm breastfeeding and I'm only supposed to have two cups of coffee a day. I make the coffee twice as strong so I get more bang for my buck (even though I know that defeats the purpose, but it soothes my conscience because in theory I'm still only having two cups) and yet I'm still tired. 
• I don't have it all together. Some days we stay in our pajamas until noon.
• I bribe my children with stickers and ice cream to do tasks basic to their survival. Like eating. Preferably in a manner which does not resemble hogs at the feed trough. 
• I take it one day, one coffee, one peanut butter and jelly sandwich at a time. 
• It's like a roller coaster: there's fear and excitement, ups and downs, and sometimes barf. 
• I can go from champion and hero to utter failure in under 30 seconds.
• I have marvelous people in my life who love and support me.
• I feel like I have to do a lot of this on my own. 
• I am pretty kick-ass, aren't I?
• In the words of Woody Harrelson you've got to "nut up or shut up." I'm not entirely sure what this means, but I usually mutter it to myself right before I have to clean something up that should involve wearing a hazmat suit. 

So in answer to your question of how do I do it? I don't know. It's complicated. But mostly, I get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other, just like everyone else.

Everything is Futile

I have always been a pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps kind of girl. When things get tough, I do my best to rise to the challenge. But being eternally optimistic is exceptionally hard when life keeps pelting you in the head with lemons. Sometimes all you can do is embrace this moment and wallow in your self pity for a little bit before you move on.

This last week has been especially trying; we've been on (self-inflicted) house arrest as Knox has been attempting to master the potty. Buttercup started teething and is in the middle of a "I can roll over in my sleep and it is freaking me out!" sleep regression. And to top it off, our whole family has been hit with a summer cold which has turned Dash into a helpless puddle of tears. He gets emotional and borderline dramatic when he is sick (which is an unfortunate quality passed down from his mother.) All of this has made me feel like I've been trapped in a madhouse and instead of making lemonade with all these lemons, I just want to let them pile up and bury me. Because, it doesn't matter what I do; EVERYTHING is futile.

If I clean up the toys, another toynado will strike.
If I feed my children, they'll just get hungry again.
If I do the dishes, we'll make more. (See section on feeding children.)
If I take a shower and put clean clothes on, the baby will spit up on me.
If I bathe the baby and put clean clothes on her, she'll spit up on those too.
If I vacuum, the dog will roll in the brown straw we affectionately call "grass" in the backyard and track it all over the house.
If I make the bed, I'm just going to get back in it later. Sooner rather than later, I hope.
If I finish ALL the laundry, we'll fill an entire basket by the end of the day.
If I break up a fight, there will be another.
If I kindly explain there are better ways to solve our problems, I'll still end up yelling because no one was listening the first time.

I know, I know. This is too shall pass. It's hard and it is absolutely worth doing. While all that is true, I'm tired of trying to do things instead of actually doing things. For once I'd like to be able to check something off my list and feel the joy of accomplishment. But I suppose that is a small part of why I'm here. When I hit the publish button on this post, I will have completed something measurable that cannot be undone.

So thanks for being here to read and commiserate. Thanks for being the reason I can put a single check mark on my to do list. I imagine I'm not the only one waiting for this stage to pass. Tomorrow, when all of this is getting you down, I'll make you some lemonade with all these lemons.

Self Checkout: It's over.

Dear Self Checkout,

I have so many things I want to say to you. Let's start with, it's not me, it's you. You, with your ever so tempting short lines and false promises of a quick and easy checkout. Each time you lure me in with your flashing green light, I swoop in and am utterly disappointed.

You have baggage issues.
You tell me to place my items in the bagging area, then immediately start shouting unauthorized item in the bagging area. I panic and scan for this unauthorized item that you speak of only to find my monstrous diaper bag has brushed against you. Before I can even scan another item, you start nagging again. This time my son's pinky finger grazed the bag stand.You could clearly see I had three kids when you invited me over, beckoning with your flashing light, so don't try to pretend my kids aren't welcome.

You're rigid and jealous.
I reach for my grapes and realize they don't have a bar code or a sticker to properly identify them; I know this will anger you because you are such a stickler for the rules. Loosen up. Have a little fun once in a while. Grapes are delicious and you make it so hard to buy them. Are you jealous? Because I have been hanging out with those grapes since before you even moved to this neighborhood?
I search in vain for the correct classification (green, non-organic, seedless) until I finally call for assistance. Your attendant rolls her eyes at me as she swipes her card and manually enters my item. I knew this was a mistake. The regret fills my empty shopping bags.

You're needy.
I struggle through the next few items as the chaos of the three children left unattended behind me begins to bubble over. You demand my total and undivided attention during the entire rendezvous. You ask for so much commitment and give so little in return.

You whine; I wine.
As I near the bottom of my bottom of my shopping basket, I pick up the cheap wine I have selected to pair with my mac and cheese and I know that it's over. Your "no alcohol" sign was obscured by the cheerful Happy Birthday balloons that the kids are now pleading for. The sassy attendant returns, this time with double eye rolls, but has mercy on me when the baby coos at her. I'm near tears as I clutch my shopping bags and retreat from the store.

I swear this time it's really over. I'm never coming back. I won't suffer your injustices anymore. Next time, I'll wait as long as necessary for the checker. His smile is nicer anyway and he always offers to help me to my car like a true gentleman.

Ciao,
Alisa

22 Lies My Kids Tell

Did you see this gem last week from HuffPost Parents on white lies we tell our kids? Guilty as charged. Primarily we say them with good intentions -- to avoid a meltdown or maybe to have a moment of parental peace. But while I'm guilty of a fib here and there for my own sanity, my lies pale in comparison to the whoppers that come out of my children. Here are some of my favorites.

1. I washed my hands. With soap.
2. It was an accident.
3. He hit me ON PURPOSE.
4. I saw my brother drop my car behind the 150 lb bunk beds. *Cue 20 minute search and vacuuming underneath the bed.*
5. It was a joke. *Obviously*
6. I went to the bathroom. *Does potty dance*
7. I was being VERY gentle.
8. I cleaned everything up.
9. I brushed every tooth and I used toothpaste!
10. I don't know what happened.
11. I'm not whining. *Said in whiniest voice ever.*
12. I don't like pasta.
13. I'm not hungry! *Cue hangry meltdown in 3, 2, 1*
14. I didn't have a cupcake. *Licks frosting off face*
15. This is what I want to eat. No, seriously. THIS is what I want to eat. *Takes one bite*
16. I want to go on the giant Ferris wheel! I won't be scared. I promise.
17. It wasn't me.
18. I'd rather watch TV before bed than read books.
19. I do not have poop in my pants. *Entire room drops dead from smell wafting from diaper*
20. I napped.
21. I AM getting dressed. *Fast forward 20 minutes. Still wearing pajamas*
22. I'll be good. *Crosses fingers behind back*

Tell me I'm not the only one with little fibbers on my hands. Post your favorite #liesmykidstell to Twitter!

You do not like them so you say...try them! Try them and you may!

Love Dr. Suess? Read on to get the printable!

Shortly before Knox was born, Dash went on a food strike. I wish I was joking when I say that he refused to eat anything but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for almost a year. Mister Sir and I were so exhausted once Knox arrived that we decided it was a battle we weren't able to fight. We made a rule that he could have one PB&J a day (unless we were desperate) and a vitamin to ensure he was getting enough nutrients.

Eventually, I put my big girl pants on and decided it was time to tackle the picky eating beast. Let me tell you, it was rough. We struggled. We cheered every bite of new food until we were blue in the face.We drank excessive amounts of wine with dinner. Sometimes we yelled. We threatened. We bribed. We sent him to bed early and hungry. And we learned. We learned a lot.

10 Tips for Tackling Picky Eaters

1. Trying is the first battle. In the beginning we started small. We made our picky eater try a few bites of everything on his plate. Once he tried enough to satisfy us, he could have a treat like applesauce or yogurt to help ensure he was full. Something to keep in mind when trying new foods - I've read that kids need to try a new food at least three separate times before they can truly say they like or dislike it. I found this to be true in my house. If they don't love those Creamy Spinach and Black Bean Enchiladas the first time, try them again in two weeks. You may be surprised.

2. Stop serving fruit for dinner. I used to always put fruit on my kid's plate for dinner because I knew it was something they would definitely eat. The thing is, sometimes it was the ONLY thing they would eat. They managed to fill their little bellies up just enough on their fruit that they weren't motivated enough to try the other things on their plate. Every mom has their "slam dunk" item that ends up on the plate to ensure that their kid won't starve. But hunger is a very powerful tool. Use it to your advantage. I'm not suggesting you starve your children. I'm saying that a kid who didn't fill up on fruit is more likely to try what's on his plate because he's hungry.

3. Try hidden veggies. I hope my children will like vegetables some day. Today is not that day. Vegetables are still a hard sell in my household. Serving straight veggies requires a lot of encouragement from me and some days I just don't want to fight the good fight. Other days I serve my children a pile of broccoli and I expect them to eat it. I can't hold their hands forever; I will not be the mom that sneaks into their college dorm rooms to add pureed carrots to their Easy Mac. At some point they will have to put on their big boy pants and eat vegetables because they are good and good for them. Period. In the meantime, while it is my responsibility to ensure they are properly fed, I occasionally serve my kids hidden veggies for my own sanity.

4. Serve smaller portions or let your kid serve themselves. My kids are generally hungry, growing boys and I am accustomed to heaping food on their plates. When we started trying new foods I reduced the portion sizes significantly. If they liked their dinner, they could always have a second helping, but if getting them to take two bites of everything was a battle, then at least food wasn't being wasted. Another tactic worth trying is to let your kid choose how many scoops he wants; it's great opportunity to give him a little more control.

5. Use a timer if necessary. Dash is the king of stalling. He can sit with a single piece of food packed tightly in his cheek like a little squirrel until you lose your mind. We would harass him endlessly to take another bite and cheer "Chew, chew chew!" like maniacs for over an hour. Finally we bought a timer (I recommend a sand timer for little guys or something that has a visual of how much time is left.) We set it for 35 minutes and stopped harassing him. HE was in charge of finishing before the timer went off and if he didn't he would be hungry. Giving him a little more control made a world of difference. It took a few months, but now we rarely need the timer.

6. Try dipping sauces. My kids are crazy about sour cream. They like it on chicken, quesadillas and a variety of other things. If my kids actually eat their veggies or chicken with a side of ranch or with some shredded cheese on top, I consider it a win. Have I made their meal slightly less healthy? Yes. But they are still getting the necessary nutrients with less of a fight. Even adults don't always love their vegetables plain, why would I expect more from my kids?

7. Give up the afternoon snack. Once again, a hungry kid is more likely to try their dinner.

8. Don't make your kids a separate meal. It's a slippery slope and the next thing you know you'll be a short order cook at every meal. Making a spicy chicken pasta for dinner? Set aside some plain chicken and pasta before you season it. I still make my kids a different meal on occasion, but I wonder if it would have been easier if I had never gone down this road in the first place.

9. Offer rewards cautiously. I'm a believer that my kids shouldn't be rewarded for things they should do anyway. Kids need to eat. Should they be rewarded for doing something that is basic to their survival? Probably not. But when we first started to work on trying new things, we offered small incentives if they emptied their plate. Remember these Magic Grow Capsules? Dash got to grow one after dinner if he finished his meal. Eventually he started to finish his meal without being bribed and we just let the incentives die out. Other great incentives are high-fives, fist bumps, and the fruit you didn't put on their plate for dinner.

10. Avoid the power struggle when possible. Sometimes you have break out the "I AM MOM, HEAR ME ROAR. You will do what I say because I am the parent and I know what is best for you." Like eating your vegetables so you can grow up big and strong. But my son is strong-willed (not unlike his mother) and he loves a challenge. I found that when I dug my heels in, so did he. However, when I put the ball in his court, he took it and ran with it. Anywhere you can give your child (a reasonable amount of) control, do it. Do you want corn or peas with dinner? How many scoops of green beans do you want? Do you want ketchup or sour cream with your chicken? This is also how we arrived at the timer. When we put him in charge of eating his dinner before the timer went off we removed the power struggle. We no longer had to tell him to take a bite and chew it up. We no longer had to threaten that he'd lose his reward if he didn't finish his dinner. The battle was against the timer, not against us.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Maybe you are tired of packing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every time you go to a birthday party because you know your kid won't eat any of the delicious food that is served. Maybe you shook in your boots when your son's preschool told you that they have a No Peanut Butter policy due to food allergies. I've been there. I am not a nutritionist. I am not a child psychologist. I am not a doctor. I am just a mom who has fought a long, hard battle with my son to try to encourage him to eat a healthy variety of foods. I'm sharing what I've learned in hopes that others may benefit from my successes and failures. It's a long road, but this is one time I can say that the grass is a little greener on the other side.

Need some inspiration for your picky eater? Find the Dr. Suess Try Them & You May printable here!

Dear New Mama

Dear New Mama,

There are a million advice columns out there that will tell you all the things you need to know about caring for that sweet baby peacefully sleeping on your chest right now. I know because I read them all the day my husband went back to work and left me alone to care for our new son just five short years ago. Now as I sit here nursing our third child, I'd like to share whatever wisdom I've gained so that you, new mom, might be more prepared for what the next year may bring. I'm no expert. I'm just a mom like you. My advice might not be any more useful to you than the last Dear New Mom post you read, but perhaps you'll find comfort that every other new mom out there has been in your shoes and lived to tell the tale. Or maybe, you'll find a tidbit of knowledge that sticks and helps you find your new normal. 

1. Acceptance is the key to surviving without sleep. At 3am, I used to bargain, beg and plead with my son to go to sleep --  too delirious to think straight. "If I could just get 2 more hours before I have to be up for the day, I'll be able to survive tomorrow," I'd tell myself. And inevitably he'd wake up again just as l drifted off to sleep. Make no assumptions about how much sleep you need or want; no matter how little sleep you tell yourself you need, you'll somehow find yourself below the minimum threshold and it will crush your delirious, sleep deprived self. Which leads me to item number two...

2. It's enough. No matter how much sleep you had last night, decide that it is enough. Because it is all the sleep you got and it will have to be enough. The half a load of laundry you managed to put away today? It's enough. The amount of time you spent playing with your child between laundry and dinner prep? It's enough. If you gave it your best, it's enough. There is so much to juggle, don't kill yourself over not doing enough for your family, your child, your household, your job. If you gave today your best effort decide that you did enough. Maybe you'll accomplish more tomorrow. Maybe not. But whatever you do, it will be enough.

3. Know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. You know how people are always saying "sleep when the baby sleeps" and you are thinking "HA! But when am I going to shower or eat or do some laundry because I really need a shirt that doesn't stink like sour milk?" Often you may find that you need to power through a few things while the baby sleeps, but know when to throw in the towel and take a nap. You can trudge through your chores bleary-eyed or you can leave that big stack of dishes for later when you can tackle them in a more productive state.

4. It's lonely. Get thyself out of the house and to a mother's group, a coffee shop, a park or anywhere else you might find an equally tired and overwhelmed mother to commiserate with. This is of the utmost importance for your sanity.

5. You will judge other moms for their parenting choices. Stop Judging. You are spending every waking moment trying to be the best parent you can be so naturally when another mom chooses to parent differently, it may make you feel insecure. You may feel the need to defend why your style of parenting is best. I've found that as long as your kid is healthy and happy there's no wrong way to parent. Moms are different. Kids are different.  What works for you might not work for someone else. And if you choose to have a second child you may find that the parenting style you've worked so hard to perfect, isn't effective with your second child. By all means share what's working for you. But reserve your judgement. An older, wiser, more experienced you will thank you later for not alienating your new mom friends by making them feel inferior. 

6. Resentment is a (relationship) killer. Resist the urge to resent your husband. When he comes home from work exhausted from another day of sitting in a comfortable chair in front of a computer and going out to lunch with his coworkers then proceeds to ask what you did all day as if it wasn't obvious by the spit up on your shirt and the crying baby in your arms...resist the urge to resent your husband. He doesn't fully understand what it is like to be a new mother, but most likely, he's trying to figure it out. He is also struggling to get comfortable in his new role as dad and possibly bread winner. In his mind getting to stay home in your pjs all day sounds awesome and he might even be a little bit jealous. You are both in new territory with new roles so try not to let resentment get the best of you. 

7. Bump uglies, do the horizontal mambo and make love often. After all it's how you got into this mess and you'll be surprised how much it will help you out. I know that sex is the last thing on your mind after having a clingy baby projecting bodily fluids at you all day, but being intimate reminds you that you love each other when the days are long and hard. If you have to, put it on the calendar once a week and do it whether you feel like it or not. Or just get in bed naked and see where it takes you.

8. Apply the Occam's Razor Rule of Husbands daily.

9. Be gracious. Forgive yourself for being impatient. Forgive yourself for not being the mom you hoped you would be. Forgive yourself for not being the wife you used to be. Forgive your husband for not being the dad you expected him to be. Forgive him for not being the husband he was. Forgive him for not understanding how hard you are trying and how much feel like you are failing. Forgive him for expecting more. Eventually you will both be comfortable in your new roles as parents and partners, but until you figure it all out, be gracious with yourself and one another.

It's hard out there for a new mom. You will get the hang of it. In the meantime, meet me at the coffee pot. 

Love,

Alisa

The Suburban Dictionary

I cannot tell you how often I am left without words to describe the chaos that occurs in my house. Sometimes it feels like the world is moving in slow motion around me and I think "This is so outrageous, I COULD NOT make this up!" And so, I've carefully created an arsenal of words that help me articulate the indescribable moments of parenthood.

Baubleholic - a kid with an affinity for cheap toys commonly found in party favor bags, the treasure box at the doctor's office, Happy Meals, etc. Can also apply to pieces of broken toys. (Why do they want to keep broken shards of toys???? WHY?)

Booty Call - The holler from the bathroom that informs you someone needs to be wiped.

Buellered - When your kid fakes illness. Named after the king of invented ailments, Mr. Ferris Bueller.

Buzz - A handy code word for fart. Kids have an addiction to bodily functions and sometimes you need a slightly more discrete way to discuss them. For example, Is someone buzzing in here or does someone need a change? 

Circle of Turdom - when your children alternate their foul behavior, never giving you a break from their incivility.

Coffee - Liquid happiness providing parents the strength, patience and will to carry on.

Cryfecta - When everyone is crying but you. Coined by the classy Doyin at Daddy Doin' Work after surviving one.

Elbow Missiles - The secret game children play where they elbow you wherever it will hurt the most. Neither children, nor adults are aware of their active participation in the game until someone takes an elbow to the eyeball, nose, rib cage or the family jewels.

Hangry - A combination of hunger and anger that is a powerful force to be reckoned with, especially in children.

Hot Dog Party – When your child wakes up in the middle of the night and starts bouncing around like they are supposed to be awake at that ungodly hour. Or when you attempt to put them to bed and they suffer from a sudden surge in energy. Coined by the Pigeon from Don't Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late, who'd rather have a hot dog party than go to sleep.

Legoed - When the kids leave out their toys (with Legos being the worst offender) for painful late night encounters.

Meltdown-ageddon - The mother of all meltdowns. Usually occurs in children and is closely related to hanger. Can also rear it's ugly head in parents when denied coffee or sleep.

Mama-shed-a-saurus - That unfortunate period of time about 3 months after your baby is born when your hair starts falling out in clumps and you become a walking, hairy dinosaur.

Mortifend - Your kid's ability to both mortify you and offend others with a single comment. Like shouting "Are you peeing out your butt?!" in a crowded bathroom. On the bright side, this effect happens in reverse when they are teenagers.

New Mom (or Dad) Smell - A nice way of saying you smell like sour milk, formula and as if you haven't showered in days.

Peek-a-boob - whether you are breastfeeding or not, kids have an incredible ability to grab your shirt in just the right place offering anyone around you an impromptu peep show.

Poonami - A wave of poop, usually overflowing from the back of a diaper.

Scurf - the sticky, food encrusted, booger infested grime small hands leave on every surface

Scrump - The crumbs or remnants of food left in the bottom of the bag. Originally used to describe the fried chunks of batter from the bottom of the KFC bucket, but expanded to include the last remaining nibbles of any food. Commonly used to describe the crushed goldfish and other sketchy items from the bottom of your purse.

Shuzz - More than just a fart. (Shuzz happens people. I know. I do the laundry around here.)

Threenager - There's all this talk about the terrible two's but three is really when the attitude starts. This is when they develop a serious affinity for looking you right in the eye and doing exactly what you told them not to.

ToyNado - a whirlwind of toys covering every imaginable surface that makes you want to get out a couple of trash bags and purge.

Whammer -When it's not just whining, it's non-stop whining, crying and yelling. Loud and sustained high pitched complaining. Can be used both as a verb and a noun. Examples: The kids have been whammering about going to the beach ALL DAY. Also,  I do not want to hear another whammer escape your lips.  

I know you all must have some words you've invented too. Share them in the comments and I'll post a version 2.0!

Eating Humble Pie

Parenting is a tricky beast. I've only been at this gig for five years, but every time I think I have a handle on it, something unexpected happens and completely knocks me off my parenting pedestal. It’s rather humbling. My sister-in-law calls this the “I've got this” moment. That moment when you think you've mastered a parenting skill or successfully taught your child something useful. Without fail, immediately after you have claimed yourself victorious, the world will come crumbling down around you. It has happened to me enough times that I have become wary of calling any parenting endeavor a success, but when I‘m stupid enough to ever think “I've got this,” I’m always surprised to find myself flat on my back at square one wondering what happened. I've found that the only way to survive this vicious cycle of successes and failures we call parenting is to find the humor in it. To ensure I never get too caught up in my parenting victory dance, I present to you my favorite moments where I had the pleasure of eating humble (parenting) pie.

1. If you haven’t heard about it yet, the rumors are true. Eventually, your child will sleep through the night. Really. When my oldest turned one, it happened to me. It happened again when my youngest was about 11 months old. From time to time, they catch a cold or get some new teeth and I have to get up again. These things happen. But at some point, sleeping through the night became the rule, not the exception. Slowly the zombie looking back in the mirror every morning faded into a girl I once knew. For just a moment I took my sleeping for granted. And that night, at exactly midnight, we woke up to the sound of the stereo blaring in the living room. We were panicked that there was an intruder and rushed out to make sure everything was ok. Apparently, my son had accidentally set the alarm on the stereo. Naturally, he slept through the entire thing.

2. Coffee. It makes my world go ‘round. I was preparing to return to reality after a long stay-cation over the holidays. I knew my husband’s first day back to work would be rough for everyone so I prepped the coffee the night before so all I had to do was (bribe one of the children to) push the button. The next morning I poured my first glorious cup, effortlessly. I turned around to tend to something (I have no idea what could have been more important than coffee) and my 18 month old reached up to the kitchen counter and exploded my coffee everywhere. I didn’t even know he could reach that high! So much for being prepared.

3. It was liberating when my son started feeding himself. I could do the dishes, or make myself a cup of coffee while he happily shoveled oatmeal into his own mouth. Ah, the taste of freedom. One morning I caught him eating his breakfast with his hands, practically bathing himself in oatmeal. I scolded him and told him he needed to eat with his spoon. He scooped up a big spoonful, plopped the oatmeal into his palm and licked it off. I guess technically he used his spoon.

4. Those of you who have a boy know that diaper changes can be touch and go. You have to be lightning fast because you never know when your son’s going to go “old faithful” on you and treat you to your first shower in days. When my oldest was just a few months old, he got me TWICE in one morning. Being the amateur that I was, I assumed that there was a one in a million chance that lightning would strike more than TWICE in one day. I foolishly headed out for a little shopping with my bestie and when I was changing him in the car he got me a THIRD time. I wept a little for my car upholstery and then soldiered on.  The real pièce de résistance was when we returned home and he peed into a basket of clean, folded laundry, three feet from the changing table. You’ve got to admit, the kid has style.

5. After 2 ½ weeks of bribing my son to do the deed on the potty, he got down from his seat at the breakfast table and completed his business without any prompting from me. I was jazzed. I thought I could officially call my son potty trained. I knew there would be accidents from time to time going forward, but I thought it had finally clicked for him. I awarded him his prize for using the potty and got him ready for preschool. Once both boys were ready, I took a few minutes to put myself together and gulp down my coffee as I basked in my potty training success. And then it happened. Five minutes before we needed to walk out the door number two #2 arrived. In his pants.

In the end, I’m a little wiser and a little more cautious. I know that the moment I start to strut towards the parenting pedestal, I’ll find my humble pie waiting for me.  

Parenting Truths

Over the last few years of raising my boys I've learned that Murphy’s Law rings particularly true for parents. In fact, parenting has turned me into a borderline lunatic who irrationally fears that flushing a toilet on the other side of the house will wake my sleeping children. I swear that you could run a jackhammer outside the kids’ window and they won’t even bat an eye, but if you sneeze on the opposite side of the house, they will most certainly wake up. Children DEFY ALL LOGIC. And with this in mind I decided that Murphy’s Law needed an addendum for parenting.

Some parenting truths based on Murphy’s Law of Parenting.

• If you absolutely cannot be late, a child will urgently need to poop the minute everyone is buckled in the car.
• If you skip any portion of the bedtime routine or attempt to rush it in any way, the process will take 3x longer than usual.
• If you score an uninterrupted shower, whatever kept the children from harassing you will be extremely messy and you will emerge from the cleanup as if you hadn’t showered in days.
• If you attempt to take a nap when the children are napping, some idiot will ring the doorbell and they won’t even be selling Girl Scout Cookies. If you’re lucky, the dog will bark and wake up the whole house.
• If you put up a gigantic neon NO SOLICITING sign that’s visible from space, someone will knock on your door anyway. They won’t be selling Girl Scout Cookies either.
• If you are out of milk, toilet paper and bread, a child will wake up vomiting at 3am and thwart any attempts to go to the grocery store.
• If someone compliments you on your well-behaved children, they will act like turds until they wipe the smug off your face.
• If you schedule a date night two weeks in advance, one child will have a fever of 101.4 and the other will decide that bedtime no longer applies to him.
• The phrase “getting lucky” will mean that bedtime took less than two hours and you can go to bed early.
• If you have 4 hours before you need to leave for the zoo, three hours will be spent drinking coffee and lollygagging on the internet, and the last hour will be spent as a crazed headless chicken searching for a left shoe.

Am I alone in this? Or do the most ridiculous things happen to other parents too? Share your parenting truths in the comments!

My Life by the Numbers

9 the number of times we listened to Life's a Happy Song.

1 the number of bad dreams that woke us up last night.
2 the number of cups of coffee I've had today.
1 the number of cats the dog chased through the neighborhood.
11 number of times I hollered for her as I chased her around.

57 number of pushes I gave my son on the swing 

81 the temperature at my house this afternoon.
13 the number of pounds I've lost since my daughter was born.
16 the number of pounds I have to go.
15 the number of adorable, chubby little baby rolls my daughter has.
0 number of my chubby little rolls that are adorable.

10 the number of pounds both my sons were at birth.
3 number of times my son touched my couch with his greasy hands. Also the number of times I asked him to wash them. 
5 the number of minutes he spent in timeout.
6 the number of kisses he had to give me to make it better.
12 the number of my son's favorite episode of Tumble Leaf.
19 the page that his favorite story starts on in his favorite book.
0 the number of date nights my husband and I have been on in the last 5 months.
4 number of unauthorized purchases my hubby made on amazon including an infrared temperature gun that he needed to "see how hot my ass is."
11 number of chuckles I got over my husband's jokes about my butt.
16 the number of dollars for said infrared gun.
157 number of minutes until my hubby comes home.

129 the number of times I'll check to see if he's home between now and then.

17 the number of reasons I'm ready for the weekend.

Mom and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

We are big fans of the classic Alexander books by Judith Viorst so whenever we have a have bad day, we frequently threaten to move to Australia. But last Monday was the bad day to beat all bad days. I mean, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. It was truly a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. And the only way to come out on top after a day like that is to laugh it off. Hope you get a little chuckle too.

Mom and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

The toddler woke up at 4:40am because his molars were hurting him and while I was trying to get him to go back to sleep, the preschooler woke up, pooped and “wiped” himself. We were down to the last roll of toilet paper and the last pair of clean underwear and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At breakfast, the toddler threw his plate on the floor because he was still hungry. The preschooler screamed at the toddler at the top of his lungs because “WE DON”T THROW THINGS IN THIS HOUSE” and by the time I came back from the freezing cold where I was cleaning up the dog’s business everyone was screaming, even the dog.

I think I’ll move to Australia.

We were late for preschool because everyone forgot how to get dressed, the dog had separation anxiety and there was no food in the house to pack in the preschooler’s lunch. I didn’t even have time for coffee. Who needs coffee?

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At the grocery store, the toddler attempted to dive from the cart repeatedly. All the lines were long and we had to go through the self-checkout. While I was yelling at the register over an alleged “unauthorized item in the bagging area,” the toddler ate the cardboard macaroni and cheese box. After we left, I realized I forgot to buy bread. And toilet paper.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because the toddler took a ten minute car nap on the way home from the store and the dog was ON the dining room table when we got back.

The preschooler refused to eat half his lunch and then insisted that he was starving when it was time for naps. The toddler would only eat MY lunch.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

That’s what it was because when I went to the dentist, he said my incision was healing nicely, but when I got home it opened up and started spraying blood all over the kitchen. After the third time it opened up, I rushed back to the office only to find it was closed. I called the dentist at home and he told me to come in tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I’m going to Australia.

At bedtime, the toddler’s pajamas were two sizes too small and he stood in his bed alternating between singing and yelling for almost an hour. The preschooler made his father ask him seven times to pick up the cars when it was time to read books. By the time they were both asleep, the dog had fumigated my bedroom with her macaroni and cheese farts.

The dinner dishes are still piled up in the sink because my brain is melted like double-decker strawberry ice cream cone on a hot day.  It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. My husband says some days are like that. Even in Australia.

Inspired by the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, by Judith Viorst. If you’ve never read her Alexander series, check them out at your local library!

This post originally appeared at Mom of the Year. For a less serious look at the world of parenting, meet Meredith.