He Said, I Heard: Sale

Occasionally, we have miscommunications in our house. Often this happens when my husband says something and I interpret it as something slightly different.

This afternoon Mr. Sir emailed me a link to a sale happening at Old Navy. Not only are they doing free shipping, but you get an additional 30% off clearance items. 

He said: Old Navy cuts an extra 30% off clearance.

I Heard: LICENCE TO SHOP.

At least I had the decency to buy a few things for him during my shopping spree...

For anyone who is interested the coupon codes are:
JACKPOT (For 30% off clearance)
FREESHIP (For, you guessed it, free shipping)

Happy shopping!

Lucky in Love

Lucky in love. 

Tomorrow, my husband and I celebrate eight years of marriage and in honor of that I'd like to offer a little (unsolicited) advice to a single guy looking for love. Why? Because I'm a romantic. Everyone deserves to be lucky in love and I'd like to think that I've learned enough in eight years of marriage to help someone else find it.

Dear Single Steve,

Though I'm happily married, I've been following your blog for a few years and until recently I couldn't put my finger on what fascinated me about you. This afternoon, I realized why: I'm the kind of girl who marries a guy like you.

My husband is 5' 7" and statistically too short to date. That love from romantic comedies that you are looking for? We have it. We've been married eight years and we are still stupidly in love with each other. We met and married in a year, just after his 30th birthday. He even has a nerdy profession as a number crunching accountant and financial analyst. 

So how does a nerdy guy in his thirties land the girl of his dreams? 

Do I have your attention? Good. Now listen up.

1. Self Confidence is Sexy. My husband and I met once at a party a few years before we starting dating. He was dating this woman who was a bit of a psycho and he was withdrawn and cautious. I remember thinking, "it's really too bad that my friend's brother isn't hot." When we met the second time, he was freshly single and gave zero fucks. He knew who he was, laid all his cards on the table and people were free to like or dislike him. He wasn't a dick, he was just sure of himself. When we met the second time I found him irresistible. The more I talked to him, the sexier he was. He was the exact same guy I met before, just a more confident version of himself.

2. Pursue Happiness. Be happy with yourself and your single life. Happiness is contagious and people want to be around others who have found a way to be content with what they have. If your life isn't good enough for you, why would someone else want to be part of it? Stop looking for the perfect wife and start being the perfect YOU. No woman in her right mind finds desperation attractive.

3. Real love doesn't care if you are too short to date. I'm only an inch shorter than my husband and with the heels I wore on my wedding day, I was taller than him. Guess what? Neither of us cared because what really mattered was that we were starting the rest of our lives together.

4. Be willing to turn your life upside-down. Your future wife is not a puzzle piece that will fit perfectly into your preexisting life. It is entirely possible that the woman for you does not live in a 30 mile radius. She's probably not a friend of a friend that frequents your favorite coffee shop and somehow, you just haven't met yet. Get out of San Diego. Try new restaurants and coffee shops. Take a weekend trip to Palm Springs. Go to the Getty in LA for the day. I moved 500 miles after dating my future husband for 3 months and I have never regretted it. He was absolutely worth it.

Eight years, three kids, one dog, and a fixer upper house later. Please pay no attention
 to the five year old photobombing in his undies behind us. Happily ever after ain't perfect.

5. The recipe for real love is chemistry and commitment. The rest is what you make of it. You know that killer chemistry you have with someone when you are first dating? It's only the beginning. The commitment is what turns chemistry into happily ever after. Love is not a feeling; it is something you do. You hold hands. You kiss. You buy flowers. You make breakfast in bed. You whisk her away on a romantic weekend. If you want it to feel like the movies, then never stop doing things that show her you love her. (And hopefully she does the same for you.)  Stop looking for someone who makes you feel magical and and start making your own magic. 

6. "Feelings follow doing, not the other way around. Lasting, True Love is not about being swept off your feet. Sometimes love is just sweeping the kitchen and being grateful that there is a kitchen and a partner who is contractually obligated to share it with you forever." (Glennon over at Momastery knows what she is talking about.) When you do find her, it's not all going to be sunshine and rainbows. My grandmother gave me the best advice about marriage. She said, "We've been happily married for 45 years. 45 out of 50 is not too bad." Even if it doesn't feel like happily ever after all the time, it doesn't mean she's not the one. 

I'm not saying I've got it all figured out. I'm not even saying that my advice is the key to finding the girl of your dreams. But I will say that love is out there for nerdy guys in their thirties if you know where to look.

Good luck,

Alisa

Dear New Mama

Dear New Mama,

There are a million advice columns out there that will tell you all the things you need to know about caring for that sweet baby peacefully sleeping on your chest right now. I know because I read them all the day my husband went back to work and left me alone to care for our new son just five short years ago. Now as I sit here nursing our third child, I'd like to share whatever wisdom I've gained so that you, new mom, might be more prepared for what the next year may bring. I'm no expert. I'm just a mom like you. My advice might not be any more useful to you than the last Dear New Mom post you read, but perhaps you'll find comfort that every other new mom out there has been in your shoes and lived to tell the tale. Or maybe, you'll find a tidbit of knowledge that sticks and helps you find your new normal. 

1. Acceptance is the key to surviving without sleep. At 3am, I used to bargain, beg and plead with my son to go to sleep --  too delirious to think straight. "If I could just get 2 more hours before I have to be up for the day, I'll be able to survive tomorrow," I'd tell myself. And inevitably he'd wake up again just as l drifted off to sleep. Make no assumptions about how much sleep you need or want; no matter how little sleep you tell yourself you need, you'll somehow find yourself below the minimum threshold and it will crush your delirious, sleep deprived self. Which leads me to item number two...

2. It's enough. No matter how much sleep you had last night, decide that it is enough. Because it is all the sleep you got and it will have to be enough. The half a load of laundry you managed to put away today? It's enough. The amount of time you spent playing with your child between laundry and dinner prep? It's enough. If you gave it your best, it's enough. There is so much to juggle, don't kill yourself over not doing enough for your family, your child, your household, your job. If you gave today your best effort decide that you did enough. Maybe you'll accomplish more tomorrow. Maybe not. But whatever you do, it will be enough.

3. Know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. You know how people are always saying "sleep when the baby sleeps" and you are thinking "HA! But when am I going to shower or eat or do some laundry because I really need a shirt that doesn't stink like sour milk?" Often you may find that you need to power through a few things while the baby sleeps, but know when to throw in the towel and take a nap. You can trudge through your chores bleary-eyed or you can leave that big stack of dishes for later when you can tackle them in a more productive state.

4. It's lonely. Get thyself out of the house and to a mother's group, a coffee shop, a park or anywhere else you might find an equally tired and overwhelmed mother to commiserate with. This is of the utmost importance for your sanity.

5. You will judge other moms for their parenting choices. Stop Judging. You are spending every waking moment trying to be the best parent you can be so naturally when another mom chooses to parent differently, it may make you feel insecure. You may feel the need to defend why your style of parenting is best. I've found that as long as your kid is healthy and happy there's no wrong way to parent. Moms are different. Kids are different.  What works for you might not work for someone else. And if you choose to have a second child you may find that the parenting style you've worked so hard to perfect, isn't effective with your second child. By all means share what's working for you. But reserve your judgement. An older, wiser, more experienced you will thank you later for not alienating your new mom friends by making them feel inferior. 

6. Resentment is a (relationship) killer. Resist the urge to resent your husband. When he comes home from work exhausted from another day of sitting in a comfortable chair in front of a computer and going out to lunch with his coworkers then proceeds to ask what you did all day as if it wasn't obvious by the spit up on your shirt and the crying baby in your arms...resist the urge to resent your husband. He doesn't fully understand what it is like to be a new mother, but most likely, he's trying to figure it out. He is also struggling to get comfortable in his new role as dad and possibly bread winner. In his mind getting to stay home in your pjs all day sounds awesome and he might even be a little bit jealous. You are both in new territory with new roles so try not to let resentment get the best of you. 

7. Bump uglies, do the horizontal mambo and make love often. After all it's how you got into this mess and you'll be surprised how much it will help you out. I know that sex is the last thing on your mind after having a clingy baby projecting bodily fluids at you all day, but being intimate reminds you that you love each other when the days are long and hard. If you have to, put it on the calendar once a week and do it whether you feel like it or not. Or just get in bed naked and see where it takes you.

8. Apply the Occam's Razor Rule of Husbands daily.

9. Be gracious. Forgive yourself for being impatient. Forgive yourself for not being the mom you hoped you would be. Forgive yourself for not being the wife you used to be. Forgive your husband for not being the dad you expected him to be. Forgive him for not being the husband he was. Forgive him for not understanding how hard you are trying and how much feel like you are failing. Forgive him for expecting more. Eventually you will both be comfortable in your new roles as parents and partners, but until you figure it all out, be gracious with yourself and one another.

It's hard out there for a new mom. You will get the hang of it. In the meantime, meet me at the coffee pot. 

Love,

Alisa

Occam's Razor: The Rule of Husbands

If I had a nickel for every time I got in an argument over something ridiculous with my husband we'd be filthy, stinking rich. But since they don't hand out nickels for bickering, I've been trying to find a more harmonious way to coexist with my husband. It's taken me years to develop this little gem of marital wisdom, so try not to laugh at its simplicity. We'll start with a little example:

I'm counting down the minutes until my husband gets home because it has been a long day with all these monkeys hanging off me and I can't wait for a break. The hour in which my husband usually arrives comes and goes with no husband in sight. So I make a mental list of reasons he's not home yet.

1. He stopped by the store to buy me flowers on the way home because he knows that I've had an exceptionally difficult day. 

2. He stopped for take out so I don't have to cook tonight.

3. He got caught up in a few final things at work or his train was delayed and he's running late.

4. He's bringing home a surprise house guest! Maybe my sister or my bestie who both live in the city where he works.

The most expensive flowers my husband has ever purchased.
They are from the bush in our front yard. 

Tell me I'm not the only one who comes up with romantic reasons my husband is not home yet. Anyone? I mean don't get me wrong, he can be a very romantic guy, but with three kids, a dog and a fixer upper house, our idea of a romantic evening these days is putting Business Time on the calendar and then going to bed at 9:00 pm. Sure, it's possible that he's got some sort of elaborate plan in the works, but is it likely? Nope. Am I smart enough to know this after 8 years of marriage? You'd think so. To make matters worse, once I've concocted all these romantic plans only to have my bubble burst, I am actually disappointed. I set unrealistic expectations for my husband, and then when he failed to meet them, I was crushed. So when my husband finally walks through the door instead of being happy he's home, I'm disappointed.

Now in the heat of the moment, all this makes perfect sense, but as I type this out it seems so absurd. And believe it or not scenarios like this have resulted in arguments or just general dissatisfaction with my life. Why? Because my husband did not read my mind and bring me flowers?  And so after binge watching the geeky Sci-Fi show Eureka a few years ago where the concept of Occam's Razor comes up repeatedly, I developed the Rule of Husbands.  

The principle of Occam's Razor is "when you have two or more competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is the better." When applied to husbands it's just "the simplest or most obvious explanation for your husband's behavior is usually the right one." Back to my earlier scenario about "why is my husband late?" He's not buying me flowers. He's not picking up take out. He's just running late. It's the simplest, most obvious answer.

This rule comes in so handy when you are sleep deprived, upset, perhaps a little hormonal or when a sensitive subject comes up.

Did he leave the minivan on empty because he's mad at me? Or did he just forget?
Did he leave these dirty socks next to the bed to annoy me? Or was he just in a rush to get out the door this morning?
Did he forget that it's his turn to get up with the baby or is he just so sound asleep he can't hear her?

Maybe I'm the only crazy lady who thinks like this. If I am, feel free to let me know in the comments and I'll go crawl in in a hole of embarrassment. But the next time your husband does something that leaves you wondering "What was he thinking?" let the Rule of Husbands be your guide. 

He Said, I Heard: Hangers

Occasionally, we have miscommunications in our house. Often this happens when my husband says something and I interpret it as something slightly different.

He said: Since you are using 90% of the dresser, MY clothes get priority in the closet. If we are low on hangers, MY clothes need to get hung up first because I don't have anywhere else to put them.

I heard: You should go to Target and pick up some new hangers. While you are at it, you should buy yourself some new makeup, splurge on some home décor, and maybe a new dress or two. If you are getting more hangers, might as well get some new clothes to put on them!

Practically the same thing, right?

He Said, I Heard: Party Dress

Occasionally, we have miscommunications in our house. Often this happens when my husband says something and I interpret it as something slightly different. Mister Sir and I went out for a long overdue date night on Friday night. I bought a new dress with a pretty blue and white chevron pattern...very similar to the pattern on our couch cushions.

He said: You look really nice. You match with our couch pillows.

I heard: You look like an overstuffed couch cushion in your new dress.

It could have been worse. The dog's bed also has a chevron print. Haha!