Parenting Outside the Box

When my son was first born, I was desperate to do everything just right. I spent a lot of time reading the “expert” answers on sleeping, eating, routines, and just about everything related to my new little family. My son is five now and has been joined by a brother (three) and a sister (seven months.) After five years, and three kids, you know what I’ve learned about the experts? Sometimes their advice is no better than a veteran mom of three you met on a park bench. Here’s the thing with experts; their advice is great in theory. But the reality is that your kid is an individual and a one-size-fits-all approach might not be your ticket to uninterrupted nights of sleep. (Not to mention that many experts contradict one another. Have you read this mom on "expert" sleep training advice? It’s hilarious and so true!)

The point I’m trying to make is this: expert advice can be a great way to get the ball rolling on how you are going to tackle parenting challenges, but YOU know your kid better than any expert, any day.

In my experience, when I’ve thought outside the box and came up with a creative solution to a problem, I’ve had so much more success than when I followed expert advice. These are my favorite bits of wisdom the hubby and I have come up with along the way. They might not work for your kid, but they may inspire you to find the solution that does!

1.       Bounce that baby. Both my sons preferred to be bounced vs. rocked to sleep and most nights it took forever. You’d come out of the nursery all sweaty like you’d been in there with Richard Simmons. Until we started using the exercise ball. Bouncing for 45 minutes on the exercise ball was cake compared to the grueling workout we were getting without it. Best $10 I’ve ever spent.  

2.       Tackling the Teething Trifecta. (Say that five times fast!) Teething sucks. They don’t eat because it hurts. They don’t sleep because they’re hungry and it hurts. And then you have a hungry, tired, hurting baby on your hands ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT long. If you want to beat the pain + hunger + tiredness trifecta, try frozen snacks. The cold foods help numb the pain and fill their little bellies. We started with slicing grapes into quarters and then freezing them. Frozen slices of mandarin oranges were also a hit, as were frozen peas and corn. (Note: Of course, use your judgment in choosing age-appropriate foods. I do not recommend this for children who are not already accustomed to chewing solid foods. Also, make sure you make the slices small enough that they are not a choking hazard.)

3.       The sun is up (or not). It happens to all of us. You wake up at 4am and find your toddler staring at you like a total creep. “It’s time to get up!” they say, cheerfully. You curse that big kid bed with all its ridiculous freedom and put them back to “sleep” 17 times before you finally give up and make coffee. When this day arrived in our house we looked at all kinds of fancy alarm clocks that tell your kid when it is ok to get up, but those things aren’t cheap and had way more features than we needed. In the end, purchased a sun night light and used it with a timer we already owned.

4.       Audio books after lights out. Dash went through a phase at about two when he would not stay in his bed at bedtime. In part, he was afraid of being in his room alone so we recorded our own audio books for him to listen to after we left the room. We still use the audio books as a way for the boys to wind down with the lights off before bed.

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What are your most unconventional parenting hacks? Parenting Outside the Box is a reoccurring series so if you comment with your favorite hacks, they may be featured next time!

Lucky in Love

Lucky in love. 

Tomorrow, my husband and I celebrate eight years of marriage and in honor of that I'd like to offer a little (unsolicited) advice to a single guy looking for love. Why? Because I'm a romantic. Everyone deserves to be lucky in love and I'd like to think that I've learned enough in eight years of marriage to help someone else find it.

Dear Single Steve,

Though I'm happily married, I've been following your blog for a few years and until recently I couldn't put my finger on what fascinated me about you. This afternoon, I realized why: I'm the kind of girl who marries a guy like you.

My husband is 5' 7" and statistically too short to date. That love from romantic comedies that you are looking for? We have it. We've been married eight years and we are still stupidly in love with each other. We met and married in a year, just after his 30th birthday. He even has a nerdy profession as a number crunching accountant and financial analyst. 

So how does a nerdy guy in his thirties land the girl of his dreams? 

Do I have your attention? Good. Now listen up.

1. Self Confidence is Sexy. My husband and I met once at a party a few years before we starting dating. He was dating this woman who was a bit of a psycho and he was withdrawn and cautious. I remember thinking, "it's really too bad that my friend's brother isn't hot." When we met the second time, he was freshly single and gave zero fucks. He knew who he was, laid all his cards on the table and people were free to like or dislike him. He wasn't a dick, he was just sure of himself. When we met the second time I found him irresistible. The more I talked to him, the sexier he was. He was the exact same guy I met before, just a more confident version of himself.

2. Pursue Happiness. Be happy with yourself and your single life. Happiness is contagious and people want to be around others who have found a way to be content with what they have. If your life isn't good enough for you, why would someone else want to be part of it? Stop looking for the perfect wife and start being the perfect YOU. No woman in her right mind finds desperation attractive.

3. Real love doesn't care if you are too short to date. I'm only an inch shorter than my husband and with the heels I wore on my wedding day, I was taller than him. Guess what? Neither of us cared because what really mattered was that we were starting the rest of our lives together.

4. Be willing to turn your life upside-down. Your future wife is not a puzzle piece that will fit perfectly into your preexisting life. It is entirely possible that the woman for you does not live in a 30 mile radius. She's probably not a friend of a friend that frequents your favorite coffee shop and somehow, you just haven't met yet. Get out of San Diego. Try new restaurants and coffee shops. Take a weekend trip to Palm Springs. Go to the Getty in LA for the day. I moved 500 miles after dating my future husband for 3 months and I have never regretted it. He was absolutely worth it.

Eight years, three kids, one dog, and a fixer upper house later. Please pay no attention
 to the five year old photobombing in his undies behind us. Happily ever after ain't perfect.

5. The recipe for real love is chemistry and commitment. The rest is what you make of it. You know that killer chemistry you have with someone when you are first dating? It's only the beginning. The commitment is what turns chemistry into happily ever after. Love is not a feeling; it is something you do. You hold hands. You kiss. You buy flowers. You make breakfast in bed. You whisk her away on a romantic weekend. If you want it to feel like the movies, then never stop doing things that show her you love her. (And hopefully she does the same for you.)  Stop looking for someone who makes you feel magical and and start making your own magic. 

6. "Feelings follow doing, not the other way around. Lasting, True Love is not about being swept off your feet. Sometimes love is just sweeping the kitchen and being grateful that there is a kitchen and a partner who is contractually obligated to share it with you forever." (Glennon over at Momastery knows what she is talking about.) When you do find her, it's not all going to be sunshine and rainbows. My grandmother gave me the best advice about marriage. She said, "We've been happily married for 45 years. 45 out of 50 is not too bad." Even if it doesn't feel like happily ever after all the time, it doesn't mean she's not the one. 

I'm not saying I've got it all figured out. I'm not even saying that my advice is the key to finding the girl of your dreams. But I will say that love is out there for nerdy guys in their thirties if you know where to look.

Good luck,

Alisa

The Pounds of Parenting

Last week I officially hit the five years of parenting milestone. In that time, I have been to a lot of playgroups, parks, beaches, school events and birthday parties and I have had the privilege to meet and observe many, many mothers in action. All of these mothers are incredible, hard working, selfless people, but beyond that I noticed many of us have one thing in common: we're fat. I know that is a rather unpopular word these days with all the body affirmation jazz and fat shaming that is happening all over the internet, but before you get out your pitchfork and gather the mob, hear me out. Seeing all of these overweight mothers made me wonder if motherhood itself is expanding our waistlines.

Here are six reasons maintaining a healthy weight is harder for mothers:

1. We are sleep deprived. I've read countless articles lately on the correlation between weight gain and sleep deprivation. How many mothers get eight hours in every night? I can personally attest to overeating when I'm tired. I can't think straight and it's almost as if I can't figure out what's wrong with me. So I eat to try to fill the void the lack of sleep left.

2. The baby weight, obviously. We gain 20-40 pounds growing another human being inside our bodies then rip ourselves to pieces evicting that small human. Not only do we have to heal and figure out how to care for our beautiful, crying, bundle of joy, but we also have to figure out what to do with our new bodies. It's no small task. Learning to balance my son's needs with my own was very difficult, especially in the first year.

3. We are beached. Somehow, dads always seem to end up with the more active jobs in parenting. The next time you go to the beach take a minute to watch what the moms are doing vs. the dads. Frequently, I see the dads splashing around in the water and throwing big kids into the waves. The moms, on the other hand are sitting on the beach, preparing a meal, reapplying sunscreen, nursing the baby, or just reading a book because they finally have five minutes of peace. Some moms don't even bother to wear their bathing suits; maybe because they hate the way they look in them, or maybe because they've just resigned to being the beached parent. If you aren't going to have an opportunity to go in the water, why wear a bathing suit?

4. We are too busy to eat or eat well. I can't tell you how often I am absolutely starving by the time I sit down and eat lunch because between feeding the kids, swapping out the laundry before it mildews, stirring dinner in the crock pot, changing the baby's diaper, letting the dog out, then breaking up a fight, the one hour window between school pick up and nap time blows by and I didn't even get a chance to make myself something, much less eat it. And of course when I am starving I choose fast, easy, bad-for-me food and I eat too much.

5. We are inherently self sacrificing. Now I am no Mother Teresa, but I feel like I am frequently putting my own needs aside in order to care for the needs of others. If I really want to exercise I have to make time to, which usually means I have to choose exercise over something else, like clean my house. More often than not I will choose to do something that benefits my children or husband over doing something just for myself. Unfortunately, there is never a shortage of things to do in this household and so I constantly give myself the short end of the stick.

6. There is cake everywhere. Birthday parties, play groups, PTA meetings and of course every holiday. Every time I turn around there are donuts and cookies, cinnamon rolls, or chips. I have a lot of will power, but I usually break down after the fifth temptation.

If you add a pound or two for each of these, that's an extra TWELVE pounds! While all these things may indeed make it harder to maintain a healthy weight, I don't think it's impossible. I'm not trying to say that we have to accept that these are the facts of motherhood and we should learn to love those love handles. It's an uphill battle and we have to make conscious choices to be more active all the time.

Choose to hand the baby off to dad and go splash in the waves or swim a few laps. Don't settle for being the beached parent. Make yourself a healthy lunch the night before when you pack the kids lunches. Leave the dishes in the sink and go to bed early. Choose YOU, sometimes. You don't deserve the short end of the stick all the time.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off the exercise extreme will power at a PTA meeting.